två månader

julafton, 2013
Idag har det gått två månader och jag väntar fortfarande på att den här mardrömmen snart ska vara över. Jag hade kämpat mig till skolan idag och satt i en diskussion kring socialförsäkringar och sjukpenning när det plötsligt tog grepp om mig igen - han kommer inte tillbaka. Hela dagen har varit en dålig dag, datum har en märklig förmåga att påminna en om verkligheten, men när jag satt där och för en sekund tittade ut genom fönstret slog det mig så väldigt. Att han kommer inte hem. Jag vet ju det egentligen, varje dag går åt till att tänka på Ben men det är inte alltid som den faktiska konsekvensen orkas med. Jag slår undan den ibland, lägger det åt sidan, glömmer bort för ett tag. Men sorgen är inte bara nu, han kommer inte hem till våren. Han är borta. Dessa två månaderna är bara början på resten av mitt liv, utan honom. Den där smärtan som följer den insikten, är nästintill outhärdlig. Jag har skrivit om frustration förut och det är verkligen det jag känner. En extrem frustration över att det finns inga sätt att förändra det som har hänt. Det finns inget som kan få honom tillbaka. Och jag är rädd för resten av mitt liv utan honom. Jag är skitskraj. Det blir lättare med tiden att hantera det som hänt, sorgen kommer att bli hanterbar. Det säger alla, det säger jag. Men den tid som går åt till att göra sorgen lättare kommer också innebära att jag kommer längre ifrån honom. Att jag kommer skapa en ny vardag där han inte längre fysiskt finns. Jag är rädd för det. Jag vill ha honom nära. Jag vill komma ihåg precis allt. Jag vill aldrig att vardagen ska sluta påminna om honom. Jag har börjat skriva en lista över allt som jag vill komma ihåg. Så fort jag tänker på en händelse, egenskap eller detalj som Ben hade så skriver jag ner det. Tiden måste få göra sorgen lättare att bära för att jag på något sätt ska orka leva men jag tänker aldrig låta honom glida ifrån mig. 

Kommentarer
Postat av: Olof Bendz

Sitter och läser dina inlägg. Vilka fina texter du skriver! Inlägget om avundsjuka tyckte jag var väldigt bra beskrivet och ger verkligen perspektiv på hur orättvist livet kan vara... Kramar!
Olof

2015-11-30 @ 19:02:04
Postat av: JamesNep

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2023-03-12 @ 19:29:40
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2023-03-25 @ 05:27:31
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2023-04-08 @ 11:32:27
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2023-10-05 @ 12:30:12

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